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"And here is your host, Miss Esmerelda hag....."

Blog post   •   Oct 26, 2013 09:49 BST

Hello Peasants,

Well the date with Crawley Town FC didn’t work out either.  Despite me being the object of all of their desires, I couldn’t bring myself to wear the required amount of fake tan to meet WAG requirements.  We decided it was best for them to stick with the WAGS they’d already got in the end, though we had trouble finding them at the end of the evening as they’d blended into the pumpkin display in the shop.

I’ve decided, instead, to put all my attentions into the Zombie Speed Dating event on Tuesday.  However, I will not be participating as I’m saving myself for a special celebrity guest who will be arriving on the same evening.  I will, however, be running the Zombie Speed Dating event alongside my team of medical staff.  We’ll be setting the mood of sexy and playing some sensual songs to get their pulses racing.  Well, probably not as they are zombies and therefore dead and don’t have a pulse.  Mind you it will make Susan question his morals – usually it’s any woman with a pulse, but now I assume they don’t even need that. 

Anyway, if you want to book, you can buy your tickets from the website and the idiot from PR will organise your ticket. (Kylee she’s called – I imagine she’ll be doing the dating too, she’s quite desperate and zombie like).

Anyway, I’m off to my pole dancing class.  If they’re lucky they might see me do a bit on Tuesday.

Until the next time peasants…


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