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Esmerelda and her celebrity lifestyle

Blog post   •   Nov 02, 2013 13:28 GMT

Dear Peasants,

I haven’t blogged for a week or so because I’ve been very busy with my celebrity lifestyle. 

You may have seen on my Facebook page pictures of me on various dates.  Much as Susan wanted it to happen, I discovered that Speed Dating wasn’t for me.  I’m a woman that needs to be appreciated and given time and attention.  It suited Susan because he can do most things within three minutes, (except straighten his hair which takes at least an hour and a half.)

Anyway, here’s a round-up of my dating exploits:

Crawley Town Footballers – Talked balls all night.
Jack Maynard – Desperate.
Lil Chris – More Desperate.
Tom Mann – Extremely Desperate.
Giles Potter – Too emotional.
Tommy Hill –  Too fast.
Joey Essex – Too slow.
MarcusButlerTv – Terrible Quiff.
Alfie of PointlessBlog – Pointless by name...
Jonathan Ross – Called me Esmerwelda.
Andy Nyman – Was going well, then I found out he has a wife.

A Hollyoaks actor is coming this weekend, which, when I heard, made me think of buff young things with rippling muscles, but apparently it’s the one who plays Tony, so that’s a disappointment too. 

No matter what Susan says, I’m better off being single, so unless Phillip Schofield turns up, I’m out of the dating game. They can continue to worship me from afar. The further the better, in my opinion.

Distractions aside, Shocktober Fest is going swimmingly well.  I say swimmingly because it has rained a lot. Particularly during the storm on Monday.  Thankfully we’re mostly under cover, though unfortunately Susan and the idiot PR woman (Kyleeeeeee) got left in the woods.  They ended up sheltering in the Hillbilly’s caravan which particularly suited the PR idiot as she looks a bit like something from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and Susan uses so many sunbeds he resembles Leather -face.  Susan’s also got some aftershave that smells like chainsaw fuel.  They were very wet when they returned. Even wetter than usual.

Halloween night was magnificent and we’re all looking forward to the fireworks tonight.  One of my creatures got very excited when I told them all about it and set off a Catherine Wheel in the Cellar.  He got a bit confused, but thankfully Catherine from Customer Services is all right now, if a little singed at the edges.

I’m off now as me and my Nurses have to give Stuart Beare (owner and moron) a bed bath.

Until the next time peasants…

Esmerelda

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