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Let us introduce you to Esmerelda...

Blog post   •   Oct 04, 2013 18:51 BST

Dear Peasants,

A lot has happened at Tulleys Farm this past few weeks.  I’ve had some men in to fit my new extension in the Cellar.  I was very proud of my Creatures, they only ate two, and I got a lovely new hard helmet as part of the bargain.  I’m proud of my new look home but I’m not going to tell you anything else, you’ll have to wait and see!  I probably won’t be in though, I’ve had to get a job to pay for the extension, so my babies will be home alone.  I do hope they behave… 

Let me tell you about my new job.  Due to the large amounts of panic attacks, heart attacks and cowardly behaviour in general last year, I’ve been put in charge of a team of medical professionals who will tend to your every need.  Are we qualified? No.  Are we the sexiest team at Shocktober?
Yes.  And that’s all the qualification one needs.  We’ll be in and around the ‘Aftershock(Red Cross) Bar’ (a location I insisted upon) to tend to all of your needs after the monsters of Shocktober Fest have had their way with you.  Nurses Brandy, Sherry, Chardonnay, Becks and
Stella will mop your brow (unless you’re sweaty), and Dr Shots will remedy you with his huge hypodermic.  You can buy medicine too, as long as you pay for your prescription at the bar and you’ve
finished visiting the locals.  You will be marked with a big red cross before you can go in, mostly for my amusement.  I will be self-medicating as usual. 

There’s also been a bit of trouble on the farm.  Some imbecile in a cloak and this rather strange toothy woman turned up a couple of weeks ago and started hanging upside down from trees in the woods.  Now I’m all for a bit of yoga and Zen (ask Sting – I taught him to be tantric), and wouldn’t mind if there were just the two of them, but there’s not.  Every day more of them turn up and dangle.  It’s unacceptable and I don’t like it.  Apparently there’s some sort of do going on on 5th October and loads more are turning up.  The place is already covered in bat muck.  I’ve lodged an official complaint.  They didn’t apologise, just informed me that it’s a Vampire World Record attempt.  Well that makes the inconvenience, the bat infestation and all the flouncy cape idiocy just fine then doesn’t it?  Thank you Shocktober Fest, you complete cretins.  Well at least they’ll go home on Sunday.  They better.

Some old rockers have moved into the cornfield and bought some ‘Animals’ with them.  Susan’s
insisting they’re a ‘legendary’ band who are playing here on Saturday night.  I think Susan’s confused (more than usual). Halloween’s for sacrificing animals, not inviting them to sing.  Oh, if you don’t know who Susan is, he’s my Personal skivvy.  Everyone needs a lacky and Susan lacks most things.  I felt a
bit sorry for him some years ago and gave him a job and now he thinks he’s important.  He’s not.

My next door neighbours, the Twisted clowns are also causing havoc.  They’ve moved in a fun fair and an actual Circus as well as their rather mind altering maze.  More on this when I’ve investigated further.  The Shades of Hell are cranking up the atmos’ in Hell-ements, the residents of The Creepy Cottage continue to be weird, and I’ve heard there’s some old actors haunting the old Tulleywood FilmStudios Apparently you can go and look at the abandoned film sets by sitting on the back of a tractor and riding through the woods, a ‘Haunted Hayride’ if you will... I might go and have a look myself, I had a bit of a film career once, but then Brad took out the injunction.

Anyway, that’s the end of my first blog.  Until the next time, peasants…


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