The vampires (who have been hanging around like a bad smell for weeks) all assembled ready for the count. I was expecting Dracula himself to turn up but he’s a real Count so he didn’t bother. Susan said I was mistaken, the ‘count’ in question involved them all standing there while some pleb with a clipboard actually counted them all while Stuart Beare (organiser and moron) droned on. I couldn’t bear it any longer, so I took to the stage to add a bit of glamour. The sight of me in my nurses outfit made the blood run to the afore mentioned moron’s extremities, which got all the assembled vamps worked up. A long story short, there was a lot of blood, security were called and Stuart Beare will never be the same again. One of my nurses tried to give him medical assistance, but then he got palpitations, so she left him weeping in a corner.
My medical team were a triumph and mopped many brows of the wimpish and scared, and helped with pelvic floor exercises for the weak bladdered. Susan was both weak and bladdered, but that’s nothing new.
Anyway, after it had all calmed down we did finally manage to count the vampires, and guess what?
They didn’t break the world record. So, to the Vampires that have blighted my life for the past few weeks: “ BOO-HOO. Must try harder. You’re all a bunch of parasitic failures, now go home and irritate somebody else!”
Of course they were all “Oh it’s all right, ‘cos we’ve broken the UK record etc etc”. Big deal. Give yourself a big slap on the back. Hard. They’re moving out today and good riddance.
The Animals who turned out to be actual people and not, as I thought, animals ready for sacrifice, invited me to their house in New Orleans. Now, Don’t Let me be Misunderstood, they’re very talented musicians, but I’ve always preferred The Night. Rising Sun is a bit close to the daylight for me.
Anyway the lead singer kept trying to give me his number and it got a bit awkward and annoying. I said to Susan, “We’ve gotta get out of this place, or it will be the last thing they ever do…”
In other news, the Creatures did very well left home alone at The Cellar, and they were so pleased
when I got back they greeted me with a gift. A lovely dead bat on my doorstep, I shall frame it and put it on the wall as a warning against future vampire infestations.
Until the next time Peasants...