Like most people, I've been to Walmart and Kmart, and I've even been known to frequent a Mattress Mart now and again, but there was something truly odd about trolling the cyber-aisles of a place called Peemart.com.
That’s right, you read correctly – Pee Mart.
Pee Mart, or Pmart, as the website signage has it both ways, bills itself as "America's First Discount Urine Store.” Who am I to argue? How disappointing must it feel to be No.2 when it comes to selling No. 1?
I could feel my facial hair growing and a pair of hip-waders rolling themselves onto my legs as I read the webpage that offered the finest in predator urine. I was a man on a mission, and I sensed it was going to turn ugly before it was all over. I had to save our family’s unemployment victory garden, and Pee Mart might be my last hope.
What got me to the Pee Mart to begin with was the fact that my wife and I are raising a pack of roly-poly rabbits and chubby-cheeked chipmunks. Not intentionally mind you, but for the third summer in a row, these critters have been gorging on our vegetable garden like a teenage boy at an Old Country Buffet.
We started our garden about four years ago. It was born out of economic necessity and neighborly kindness. Our elderly neighbors had a raised flower bed that had been overrun with weeds for years and needed tending, and we were living through the first of two media layoffs, so we thought it would be a good way to offset our grocery bills.
So we offered to weed and plant the garden, and our neighbors could harvest whatever vegetables they wanted. The garden made me feel like I imagined my forefathers who raised victory gardens back in World War II felt. We were beating our financial enemies one tomato at a time.
The first year was a trip to bountiful. Sunflowers, corn, tomatoes, squash, melons and more came out of our little plot by the neighbors red cinderblock house. The next few years were not as hardy as we learned to cope with heavy rain, extreme heat, bugs, birds and critters.
This year again, the veggies are growing tall, but the rabbits and chipmunks are growing wide.
Our unemployment victory garden needed pest control, and what better place to start looking than on the Internet? I'd heard before that coyote pee was effective in getting rid of random critters, so I bravely typed the words into my search engine, and there it was -- Peemart.com.
Why embarrass yourself at the local hardware by asking for the waste product from the south end of a northbound coyote when you can log on and have expert advice on the variety of pee you need? I say don't. Let Pee Mart do the heavy lifting.
Pee Mart is the saving place. There’s no blue-light special, but Pee Mart has a vast selection of predator urine for whatever critter might be plaguing your property. The pee from coyote, fox, bobcat, mountain lion, wolf and bear is just one click away from scaring the piss out of any rodent that troubles you.
Consumers who find their way to the Pee Mart can shop by predator or by pest. Let's say you've got armadillos plaguing your back yard. Just click on the picture of the armored invader and you discover that the experts at Pee Mart recommend using mountain lion urine as the first line of defense to repel 'dillos, followed in order by wolf and bear.
Try going down to your local Walmart and asking for the musky scent of a mountain lion's tinkle. I'm not quite sure what response you'll get, but I'm pretty sure it won't involve a question about whether you'd like to buy an 8-ounce sampler or a 32-ounce holiday gift pack?
Two years into my latest job search, the unemployment victory garden serves mainly as a source of stress relief and copious amounts of tomatoes -- if I knew how to skin and cook a rabbit, it might bring some meat to the table as well. For now, however, seeing the green plants growing in the rich brown earth makes my wife and I feel like some good can come out of adversity both literally and metaphorically.
So critters beware, I've got Peemart.com on my speed dial. And friends, go ahead and order that coyote urine and get planting, Pmart promises free shipping to the United States and Canada.